Unfulfilled Desires

Ricky Fitts: I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are. 

I am so desperately seeking attention and love in others when I need to be searching within myself to find that love. I hear that almost daily now, and yet....it doesn't seem to sink in. I don't seem to learn. I keep putting myself in these stupid positions and digging my hole deeper and deeper. I'm sitting here working from home and taking a break. I have American Beauty on as background noise and I just keep thinking how much I want love. Real love. 
Ricky fitts and Jane. 
Gomez and his amazing love for his wife, Morticia. 

To be continued.....back to work. 

When one door closes....

I finally did it. After today's anxiety attack, I messaged Brian....

I'm back

It's ok. It happens a lot now. Just don't know how to control my emotions yet. I break down. It sucks. 

I'm better. 

Brian, the thing is....as far as I'm concerned, I'm single. 

Hopeful, but no longer waiting. 

8:18 AM

Alright...

If your single...I must be too.

I guess so. 

Feels like you already feel like it. That's what I"m saying. I don't know what you do. 

49 mins

I don't know what to say without saying the wrong thing.  You use the words 'I'm single' and 'hopeful' back to back.  Sure doesn't seem like it.  You tell me you miss me but keep moving further and further away.  I thought you wanted to see me yesterday...guess you got cold feet and ditched me instead.  That sucked.  Oh well.  I see that this is really tough on you.  I'm not trying to make it any tougher.  Keep doing what you are doing...you are moving in the right direction...away from me.  Be single...find someone that will love you for who you are.  Someone who won't take all you do for granted.  I still want you to be happy...even if it's with someone else.  I've always believed that you deserve to be happy.  You of all people.  you try so hard to make everyone else happy despite your feelings.  It's your turn Evy.  You deserve happiness like anyone else.  three years have told you that it's not me.  Listen to your brain and not your heart.  I will still love you.  I will always love.  You've made changes in me that I will never forget. Ttyl.

Show me your changes. This is the time. I do miss you. 
ttyl

BAM! Until next time...

BAM! Just like that...he's gone again.

Hours later and he's still....gone.
The emotions that we have for one another are intense. He gives me anxiety and I do the same for him. How pathetic. He's married. He is MARRIED! He has such a way with words, always manipulating. My mind goes a thousand miles a minute when he messages me. I hate it. Ugh....until next time...

I want to be me

I'm not ready to be alone. All alone. First I ask my boyfriend of two years and his 17 year old daughter to leave my house and now my cousin is wanting to leave as well. I can't keep anyone around. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I were a better person. I wish I knew how to deal with this all. I wish I were stronger. I'm so emotionally weak. I keep thinking about my mom when I say those words. I know my mom is strong, but I have no idea what she went through in her life. I have no knowledge of my mom's past or her struggles. I feel like she went through the mental struggles I'm going through, but because we don't have a good relationship, I'm going to have to learn on my own. I'm going to have to make those mistakes. I keep making them already. I am a big walking mistake.

My biggest fear (and i honestly mean that literally) is dying alone. Not having a companion to walk through life with. I've kept chasing men. I've kept chasing love. I want it so bad. I want that happy family. I want the perfect family that lives in a nice house with kids and my two dogs and a two car garage, and the whole shebang. I've always craved it. It seems to be the only motivation for me in life. It's pathetic. I shouldn't allow the love or lack of love from another person give me a reason to live. I shouldn't put my peace, my rest, my solace, my refuge, my escape in another person. If i'm honest to myself, I shouldn't even be putting that on myself. That's why I know that God is so real. I miss Him. I miss talking to Him and sharing my life. I know that I've strayed so far away from Him and I'm sorry. But I can't go back to that life right now. I need to become stronger. Emotionally stronger. 

I keep breaking down and crying whenever I think about my life. I started medicines to help me lessen those moments, but they are only stronger instead of as frequent. I hate them. I have panic attacks like I've never imagined. I shake, I tremble, I quiver, my voice shakes, I cry, I throw tantrums, I've thrown myself on the floor, etc. I'm a mess. Nobody understand how much of a mess I fee like I am. I feel crazy. Yes, crazy. Like I've lost a mental part of me or as if I've never had it and it's starting to become obvious. I don't know. I feel......not normal. I feel alone, but not in the sense that other people aren't going through what I'm going through. I just feel...alone. 

I want to share my life with someone. I want my own Adam Sandler romance. I want someone who will continue to try to make me fall in love with them day in and day out for years to come. I want someone who will sing to me on a plane. I want someone who will share the remote with me and bring me soup when I'm sick. I want someone to grow old with. This is odd, I know. I'm not asking to have Sandler. I'm saying I want someone like the characters he portrays in many of his movies. I just want a partner in life. I want someone to call my own. I want to lust for that person after years. I want to desire them, but have them when I need them as a friend only. I want to be able to share my thoughts, ideas, and just talk to someone. I want a best friend. I want someone to listen to me. To really listen...not just hear me. I'm done. I'm done trying to find that someone. I'm officially giving up. I'm confessing this to you. I'm giving up on love for now. I'm no longer going to look for love. I'm done. Done.