I am more in control than I have been in a long time.
I feel less fear. I feel less anxious.
I got back from Greer, AZ yesterday morning and took Greg to the airport. He was here for a week. I took him to Greer and I'm not sure what happened there.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Is today the day?
Can today be the day? The day that I awaken to all the lessons that I've been taught over the course of my life. Is this the day to accept my past and all its lessons?
I've learned so much about myself these last few months. Scary things. Things that worry me. Things that make me feel safe. Things that bother me. Things that I feel in control of. Things that I have absolutely no control over. Feelings I've never had before. Feelings I do not like. Feeling that I don't know how to react to.
I am losing complete control. Over myself, my surroundings and my life.
I've learned so much about myself these last few months. Scary things. Things that worry me. Things that make me feel safe. Things that bother me. Things that I feel in control of. Things that I have absolutely no control over. Feelings I've never had before. Feelings I do not like. Feeling that I don't know how to react to.
I am losing complete control. Over myself, my surroundings and my life.
Loosen up a little. Take a breathe. Love yourself and time with yourself.
So much hate and anger in me lately. I have a lot of deep seeded quilt and shame and I can't forgive myself for many of my past choices. I did wrong. Multiple times did I do wrong. I am not used to answering for my actions and now they've caught up with me mentally. I'm an emotional wreck as well as a mental catastrophe.
I need to find a hobby. A way to take my minds off things and to enjoy myself. Time with me. That's an ugly thought. I'm not a good person anymore. I feel like I need to be disciplined, scolded, hit, etc. What a shitty thing to even think.
That isn't proven to be effective (my past validates this), yet keep doing it to myself. I hate that I'm so damn hard on myself at times. I really need to wrangle myself in and learn some discipline. Learn to be responsible for my choices and actions. I need to learn a new hobby. What calls to me? Honestly...what calls my attention? I used to love going to church for a lot of reasons, but one thing I enjoy is that I'm around some like-minded people who have many of the same values and morals that I do.
Yet, I say these things and I don't even act on them. I am not living my example I guess is what I'm really saying. I think one thing, say another thing and act another way. It's hypocritical. My thoughts and actions don't line up. I want to get to a place where they DO line up.
I need to find a hobby. A way to take my minds off things and to enjoy myself. Time with me. That's an ugly thought. I'm not a good person anymore. I feel like I need to be disciplined, scolded, hit, etc. What a shitty thing to even think.
That isn't proven to be effective (my past validates this), yet keep doing it to myself. I hate that I'm so damn hard on myself at times. I really need to wrangle myself in and learn some discipline. Learn to be responsible for my choices and actions. I need to learn a new hobby. What calls to me? Honestly...what calls my attention? I used to love going to church for a lot of reasons, but one thing I enjoy is that I'm around some like-minded people who have many of the same values and morals that I do.
Yet, I say these things and I don't even act on them. I am not living my example I guess is what I'm really saying. I think one thing, say another thing and act another way. It's hypocritical. My thoughts and actions don't line up. I want to get to a place where they DO line up.
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