I think I realized in life that I shouldn't trust anyone anymore. I trust too freely and end up getting hurt. I need to learn to put up a guard. I need to stop wearing my emotions on my sleeve.
I push everyone away with the real thoughts that come out of my head. It's why I feel crazy. I feel like I don't think correctly. I'm trying to be better, and I don't feel like anyone around me acknowledges that. They all realize and continue to tell me how depressed I am and things that I've done or say that make them feel like I'm losing it. I don't know how to overcome this.
Therapy feels like a joke when it's with someone who doesn't truly and genuinely care about me and my well-being.
I hate that I push EVERYONE away with my crazy mind. I've tried self-help books, therapy, meditation, aromatherapy, sage, stones, etc. Maybe I am just meant to be alone. Live for me I don't know how to do that, but maybe this is what is happening. Maybe that's the plan.
God knows that I don't intentionally mean to hurt anyone's feelings, but I do anyway. All the time. Just by being me. With my stupid thoughts. I am stronger than this. I know I am. I just wish I felt it.
I am going to miss him. NM was honestly so good for me. He was not here physically, but was there for me and my thoughts and even now, I've pushed him away. Even him. Wow. I hurt knowing that he's really frustrated with me and my thoughts. I am, too. So frustrated thinking this way.
I am trying. I feel like nobody sees that part or acknowledges that.I am not simply sitting back anymore hoping for things to get better. I'm doing things to get there and I keep hearing the opposite from the people around me. I need encouragement and I no longer have it. I need to find it in myself. I will.
I am no longer going to think of ending things, because what does that do? I don't want to be that weak. I want to live stronger than that and endure life's challenges. I want to see what life has for me. I want to accomplish more, be more, do more, travel more, learn more, etc. I want more for myself.
The part that hurts me right now is that I've allowed myself to continue to push people away with the negativity. I felt NM understood my heart. Maybe that was what I wanted to believe. I have no clue and all I have are assumptions, which are what got me in trouble in the first place.
I am on medications that seem to make my moods worse. They are a rollercoaster of emotions when I take them. It's why I wanted to stop. I want to use just one source of help and I thought I found that through MM and my friend, NM.
What a burden though. To place that kind of pressure on anyone except myself. He told me that today as well. It's up to me. Only I can change this mentality.
I don't want him gone. I really don't. He was such a great person to talk to. Didn't make me feel like I wasn't normal. He made me feel good about myself. I see now, though, that he was dealing with it himself. Maybe too much from me. It's not his problem. Why DO I tell him about my ex? About the hurt that Brian caused? What does that acomplish? Is it also because he was invested? I wish I knew.
It's too late now. Alone again with these thoughts until I get better. Alone.
