Trust fails

I think I realized in life that I shouldn't trust anyone anymore. I trust too freely and end up getting hurt. I need to learn to put up a guard. I need to stop wearing my emotions on my sleeve.

I push everyone away with the real thoughts that come out of my head. It's why I feel crazy. I feel like I don't think correctly. I'm trying to be better, and I don't feel like anyone around me acknowledges that. They all realize and continue to tell me how depressed I am and things that I've done or say that make them feel like I'm losing it. I don't know how to overcome this.

Therapy feels like a joke when it's with someone who doesn't truly and genuinely care about me and my well-being.

I hate that I push EVERYONE away with my crazy mind. I've tried self-help books, therapy, meditation, aromatherapy, sage, stones, etc. Maybe I am just meant to be alone. Live for me I don't know how to do that, but maybe this is what is happening. Maybe that's the plan.

God knows that I don't intentionally mean to hurt anyone's feelings, but I do anyway. All the time. Just by being me. With my stupid thoughts. I am stronger than this. I know I am. I just wish I felt it.

I am going to miss him. NM was honestly so good for me. He was not here physically, but was there for me and my thoughts and even now, I've pushed him away. Even him. Wow. I hurt knowing that he's really frustrated with me and my thoughts. I am, too. So frustrated thinking this way.

I am trying. I feel like nobody sees that part or acknowledges that.I am not simply sitting back anymore hoping for things to get better. I'm doing things to get there and I keep hearing the opposite from the people around me. I need encouragement and I no longer have it. I need to find it in myself. I will.

I am no longer going to think of ending things, because what does that do? I don't want to be that weak. I want to live stronger than that and endure life's challenges. I want to see what life has for me. I want to accomplish more, be more, do more, travel more, learn more, etc. I want more for myself.

The part that hurts me right now is that I've allowed myself to continue to push people away with the negativity. I felt NM understood my heart. Maybe that was what I wanted to believe. I have no clue and all I have are assumptions, which are what got me in trouble in the first place.

I am on medications that seem to make my moods worse. They are a rollercoaster of emotions when I take them. It's why I wanted to stop. I want to use just one source of help and I thought I found that through MM and my friend, NM.

What a burden though. To place that kind of pressure on anyone except myself. He told me that today as well. It's up to me. Only I can change this mentality.

I don't want him gone. I really don't. He was such a great person to talk to. Didn't make me feel like I wasn't normal. He made me feel good about myself. I see now, though, that he was dealing with it himself. Maybe too much from me. It's not his problem. Why DO I tell him about my ex? About the hurt that Brian caused? What does that acomplish? Is it also because he was invested? I wish I knew.

It's too late now. Alone again with these thoughts until I get better. Alone.

Be Kind to Evy

Having a good heart in a cruel world is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Motivational AuthorMelodie Beattie

“The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more.” —Dr. Jonas Salk

Be kind ideas: https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/kindness-ideas

Your heaven's a lie

I need help. Mental help. There is something wrong with the way that I think of myself and my actions towards myself. I need nurturing. I want someone to care for me and tell me. I need to stop wanting these things, however. I am not weak. I can be stronger on my own. I do NOT need a man to help me with these things. I simply need a friend. This all came about because Natalie had to intervene today. She told me that she had to leave yesterday because she needed a break from it all.

I'm too much to handle. My depression is eating away at the light inside of me. My mom cried all day yesterday. On her birthday. What a shitty daughter I am. THOSE are the thoughts that she has on her birthday? Because of me? Imagine. Her assumption was that I'm overdosing on pain meds. That's the conclusion. My behavior to all those around me doesn't prove contrary.

I shut myself in. Natalie sees it and has to deal with it. She broke down in front of me. She says she can't handle another situation like the one she's experienced before. Kyle was helping. Now he's gone. I've pushed even him away. The one that I felt understood. My only outlet is now gone. I've pushed even him away.

So much for friends....I need to pay for a friend now. I need a therapist. How sad I've become? My life is not bad yet I make it so. I know I  do. I just don't know how to handle the overwhelming pressure I feel inside. I feel like I am not adept to handle them, but I know that I am. I'm so depressed inside and I know it because I feel it daily. It consumes me. There is no longer a fire inside of me.....it's been dimming for months and I feel as if last night was the night it should have gone off.....But it didn't. I'm still here. I woke up another day and can handle it like every other day...one day at a time.

I feel used. Betrayed. Hurt. Trying not to feel this way and be a victim. I know it's wrong. I'm aware of that. I just want someone to treat me the way that I treat them in love. Maybe that's what's going on and I don't like it. Walls are put up for a reason. I'm not trying to break them down. I'm trying to move into the other side of the wall. that place of internal peace. of freedom

I keep feeling that the more I give to someone, the more they'll give back to be and that has never been true.... I expect the moon. I know my expectations are unreal now. There is no love for me.

I keep pushing everyone away as a defense mechanism. I put up my walls, but inside....I'm so weak. I need to put the walls up sooner because now my walls are all collapsing.

Liberate me.

Free me.

I need a release.

I need joy.

I need innocent joy.

Why am I so overly dramatic? Why do I feel like I'm going to break? Like I'm going through a mid-life crisis? I'm only 29 years old, for God's sake.

God's sake....that's something else that eats me. Everyday. Little by little. Is God watching me angrily? Do I beleive that anymore? I don't. I want to believe in people now and I know I can't. I won't. No more will I be trust blindly. It's painful. I have to protect my heart now more than ever.

I will. I can do it. Alone. Independantly. I am not co-dependant. No longer. I am my own person. I am not going to live for other people's happiness and pleasure. I need to become cold, like everyone else around me. I feel my compassion for other's as a trigger for my pain. It needs to stop.

I will start this week by removing physical triggers from my life. I need to stop making them have power over my emotions.

I think I'm finally ready to be alone.

Unfulfilled Desires

Ricky Fitts: I can't believe you don't know how beautiful you are. 

I am so desperately seeking attention and love in others when I need to be searching within myself to find that love. I hear that almost daily now, and yet....it doesn't seem to sink in. I don't seem to learn. I keep putting myself in these stupid positions and digging my hole deeper and deeper. I'm sitting here working from home and taking a break. I have American Beauty on as background noise and I just keep thinking how much I want love. Real love. 
Ricky fitts and Jane. 
Gomez and his amazing love for his wife, Morticia. 

To be continued.....back to work. 

When one door closes....

I finally did it. After today's anxiety attack, I messaged Brian....

I'm back

It's ok. It happens a lot now. Just don't know how to control my emotions yet. I break down. It sucks. 

I'm better. 

Brian, the thing is....as far as I'm concerned, I'm single. 

Hopeful, but no longer waiting. 

8:18 AM

Alright...

If your single...I must be too.

I guess so. 

Feels like you already feel like it. That's what I"m saying. I don't know what you do. 

49 mins

I don't know what to say without saying the wrong thing.  You use the words 'I'm single' and 'hopeful' back to back.  Sure doesn't seem like it.  You tell me you miss me but keep moving further and further away.  I thought you wanted to see me yesterday...guess you got cold feet and ditched me instead.  That sucked.  Oh well.  I see that this is really tough on you.  I'm not trying to make it any tougher.  Keep doing what you are doing...you are moving in the right direction...away from me.  Be single...find someone that will love you for who you are.  Someone who won't take all you do for granted.  I still want you to be happy...even if it's with someone else.  I've always believed that you deserve to be happy.  You of all people.  you try so hard to make everyone else happy despite your feelings.  It's your turn Evy.  You deserve happiness like anyone else.  three years have told you that it's not me.  Listen to your brain and not your heart.  I will still love you.  I will always love.  You've made changes in me that I will never forget. Ttyl.

Show me your changes. This is the time. I do miss you. 
ttyl

BAM! Until next time...

BAM! Just like that...he's gone again.

Hours later and he's still....gone.
The emotions that we have for one another are intense. He gives me anxiety and I do the same for him. How pathetic. He's married. He is MARRIED! He has such a way with words, always manipulating. My mind goes a thousand miles a minute when he messages me. I hate it. Ugh....until next time...

I want to be me

I'm not ready to be alone. All alone. First I ask my boyfriend of two years and his 17 year old daughter to leave my house and now my cousin is wanting to leave as well. I can't keep anyone around. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I were a better person. I wish I knew how to deal with this all. I wish I were stronger. I'm so emotionally weak. I keep thinking about my mom when I say those words. I know my mom is strong, but I have no idea what she went through in her life. I have no knowledge of my mom's past or her struggles. I feel like she went through the mental struggles I'm going through, but because we don't have a good relationship, I'm going to have to learn on my own. I'm going to have to make those mistakes. I keep making them already. I am a big walking mistake.

My biggest fear (and i honestly mean that literally) is dying alone. Not having a companion to walk through life with. I've kept chasing men. I've kept chasing love. I want it so bad. I want that happy family. I want the perfect family that lives in a nice house with kids and my two dogs and a two car garage, and the whole shebang. I've always craved it. It seems to be the only motivation for me in life. It's pathetic. I shouldn't allow the love or lack of love from another person give me a reason to live. I shouldn't put my peace, my rest, my solace, my refuge, my escape in another person. If i'm honest to myself, I shouldn't even be putting that on myself. That's why I know that God is so real. I miss Him. I miss talking to Him and sharing my life. I know that I've strayed so far away from Him and I'm sorry. But I can't go back to that life right now. I need to become stronger. Emotionally stronger. 

I keep breaking down and crying whenever I think about my life. I started medicines to help me lessen those moments, but they are only stronger instead of as frequent. I hate them. I have panic attacks like I've never imagined. I shake, I tremble, I quiver, my voice shakes, I cry, I throw tantrums, I've thrown myself on the floor, etc. I'm a mess. Nobody understand how much of a mess I fee like I am. I feel crazy. Yes, crazy. Like I've lost a mental part of me or as if I've never had it and it's starting to become obvious. I don't know. I feel......not normal. I feel alone, but not in the sense that other people aren't going through what I'm going through. I just feel...alone. 

I want to share my life with someone. I want my own Adam Sandler romance. I want someone who will continue to try to make me fall in love with them day in and day out for years to come. I want someone who will sing to me on a plane. I want someone who will share the remote with me and bring me soup when I'm sick. I want someone to grow old with. This is odd, I know. I'm not asking to have Sandler. I'm saying I want someone like the characters he portrays in many of his movies. I just want a partner in life. I want someone to call my own. I want to lust for that person after years. I want to desire them, but have them when I need them as a friend only. I want to be able to share my thoughts, ideas, and just talk to someone. I want a best friend. I want someone to listen to me. To really listen...not just hear me. I'm done. I'm done trying to find that someone. I'm officially giving up. I'm confessing this to you. I'm giving up on love for now. I'm no longer going to look for love. I'm done. Done.

Sadness consumes me

It's been two months since my surgery and I've lost 30lbs. Yes, that's a good number, but I'm sabotaging myself. I should be at 40 lbs at the two month follow up. 

This last week has been super depressing for me. About the same as the week that I tried to kill myself. I hate myself, my life, my relationship, my situation, etc. Brian and I argue constantly. We don't get along anymore. The only time we're fine is when we're at the movies together (cause we don't have to talk) or in the early mornings when he wants to have sex (again, no talking). 

So yeah, it's been a very sad road for me. I know I bring this upon myself. My sadness comes from within, but I can't stop it. I want to be alone, I want to take drugs, I want to always be high, I want to kill myself ultimately. I know my life isn't as bad as I make it seem. I know that. Brian tells me that all the time. He doesn't get it. At all. Anyway, I am sitting here waiting for Brian to make food since he doesn't want me in the kitchen. We are not talking now because I simply asked him about making breakfast. He took it the wrong way, and I told him I'd get out of the kitchen. He said "you always do this". Whatever, man. I don't mean to make him mad. He's soo fucking slow doing things that take me no time at all. It's upsetting. I'm inpatient. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I wish he'd understand that instead of get mad. He doesn't know how to talk to me and I don't know how to talk to him. We are on completely different levels in life. He's in a different stage in his life compared to me. I'm starting to think that this won't work out anymore. I've been so down on myself lately that all I want is to get out of this relationship. I know that doesn't answer anything, but I feel like I'd rather rot away by myself instead of having someone with me. I already know that Brian has changed since he's been with me, but I don't want him to change anymore. He isn't as happy as he used to be. It's my fault. I want
 out. I want it to stop. I have to get the courage to stop this relationship for his sake.

I'm going to walk some dogs from Rover.com. I'll be back later.