Quotes

i hate writing but i love having written

Dorothy Parker’s original wording. Quote research traces the earliest clear version to Frank Norris in 1902: “Don’t like to write, but like having written.

Blind faith is painful

 I sometimes hurt because I am not sure if I'm meant to be with a partner in this life. I am married, yes. I have already made that decision, yes. However, I am unsure if I was 'meant' to be with another person. 

It's a daily choice, I read. Daily. Choice. 

Choosing to be with another person. To care for them. Care with them. Care about stuff together. Strive to do things that please both of you. It's not an easy choice to make. Daily. Choice. Forever. 

We had a deep/personal/true conversation the other day. It was hard, but he let me speak. I spoke for a while, and he simply listened. 

New Dogs, New Love: Meet Zorra and Zeeko

New dogs. It's been a bit over a year that Bico passed away. A year before that, Bica passed. Losing them both within such a short time was hard — they were a big part of our lives, and the house felt quieter without them.

I now have Zorra and Zeeko. They are great doggos, not the Bicos, but they are my new babies and I love them. They are not small dogs. It's been different, but a great experience.

Zorra and Zeeko have their own personalities and quirks, and every day with them is its own adventure. They've brought a lot of energy and joy back into the house. It's a different kind of love than what I had with Bico and Bica — but it's real, and it's growing every day.

I don't think you ever really "replace" a dog. You just open your heart again. And I'm glad I did.

Lonely but married

Wow. I am married. I've BEEN married since 2022 (?). 

Anyway, things are.....not easy? Life has been a roller coaster, for sure, but marriage is it's own thing. It's own beast. Living with someone and still not knowing what they want is exhausting, especially when they rarely share their thoughts. The silence makes the house feel empty, even when they are home.

It leaves the room feeling so empty. So quiet. So alone. So....lonely, but married. 

Married means not alone, right? I thought so. I really, truly thought so. In my youth, I always hoped and even prayed that I'd find a 'person' to help me feel whole and complete and NOT ALONE. What a crazy whirlwind it's been, knowing that I am married and alone. Feeling alone. Thinking alone. Talking through things....alone. Feeling things, what feels to be....alone. Moving through life, with a partner, but ultimately, alone. 

How bittersweet. How gut-wrenching. This feeling of loneliness all while being in a relationship with another human being. That human being not fully understanding my need to communicate. To interact. To discuss things as if they weren't real. To throw ideas around. To talk about a FUTURE...together. 

Future. Funny topic. I wish I had a clue what my partner wanted for their future. From daily interactions and daily observations, that partner doesn't seek growth. They don't seek knowledge. They don't want change. It's heartbreaking. It's exhausting. 

What hurts more is the lack of touch, the lack of affection, the lack of emotion, the lack of interest, the lack of desire. Desire. Oh, what I would give to be the object of affection for Brian again. To be the

thing

that gets him excited. The

ONE

that gets him going. 

Life. 

It sure isn't what I expected it to be. It sure isn't 'pugs and rainbows' as my youth once expected my adulthood to be. 

I found a partner. I found my person. I thought I did. I still think I did. I hope I did? I want to believe I did? I want to PRAY that God is happy with me and my decision to remarry. 

"What God has joined together, let no one separate" is a biblical phrase from Jesus' teaching on marriage.

Origin

This statement appears in the New Testament Gospels. In Matthew 19:6, Jesus says it after explaining that a husband and wife become "one flesh," emphasizing God's role in uniting them.

Meaning

The phrase underscores marriage as a divine union that humans should not break through divorce. It originates from Jesus responding to Pharisees' questions about divorce, affirming lifelong commitment.

Parallel Verses

A similar version is in Mark 10:9: "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."

This is SOOOOOO hard for me. Hard for me to grasp, accept, and live. I have not only chosen Brian today and forever, but I was previously married to another person. I was married to that person in front of God, a church, our families, etc. It was a lot. It's been a lot to just let go of, if I'm honest. My mom made that event so focal. She helped plan my first wedding and it was AMAZING! Truly beautiful and unforgettable. I still think of the pictures and the day that my mom helped create.

My recent marriage? Not so much. It was not glamorous. My mom did not help with it. I choose not to ask for her assistance. I kind of regret that to this day. She helped MAKE my first wedding. I still LOVE the pictures from it. I love the venue we choose, the colors we choose, the flowers, the time of day, the photographer, etc. 

But as much as I loved and miss that assistance, it comes with a price. My mom did help. She TOTALLY did. I wouldn't have had that amazing and unforgettable experience if she hadn't poured herself into it. For me. For her daughter's once-in-a-lifetime experience. 

My mom did that for me. She's always wanted to help. Always wanted to lighten the load for my brother and me. Always there to assist. Man, I appreciate her more than she has any clue. I love and value her. I see her and the struggles she went through to be where she is today. She is a FIERCE woman with a strong ambition and drive for life. Nothing can stop her. Only time and age can do that, but I know God is in her and will keep her Spirit alive forever. 

Funny though. As I write that, I'm reminded of her age. How, as a woman, she's endured way more than she needed to. More than life should have thrown at her. More than she needed to handle. God is good, though. I know it. She knows it (I get it from her). 

She is so strong. So passionate. So loving. So kind. So loving. So sacrificing. Again - so sacrificing.

Elsa is pure magic and I'm glad to have her as my mother. I'm sorry she's endured what she has. I'm sorry she had to experience what she went through with my father. With her divorce. With her parents passing. Etc. It's all too much for young me to even think about and want to comprehend right now.

As I write this, I realize that she has held me in her hands for so many years. Me and Julio. She's always carried us with her. Not knowing of our future. Not knowing of our secret lives and struggles, or prayers. 

Motherhood. What a silent burden. What a blessing. What a gift. What a treat (as the child). 

I do not know what it is to have a child. I don't think I'll ever know. I have accepted that (for the most part). Obviously, as a I wrote that, I realize that this is not done yet. God knows my heart. He knows my struggles. He knows my love for children....Yet, He also knows that I hurt. He knows that although I'd love to feel motherhood, that is not for me. It is not what I need to have in this lifetime and I'm ok with that. It does hurt at times, but not enough to change my current path. It doesn't hurt enough to question God or His path for me. I am here.

Childless. 

And I'm ok with it. I'm very fine with it. I have two kids that love me and know who I am (two of the four kids that my husband has). I believe in my heart that they know that I wish nothing but the best for them, regardless of who their parents are (not me). 

I am allowed to be both grateful for my life and heartbroken about the children I won’t have.

Marriage. 

Again, that topic.

It's not easy for me. I don't know if I accept it yet. I don't know if I can accept that the person I choose feels unattracted to me physically, emotionally, and even spiritually at times. 

I feel disconnected. Disconnected not only from God, at times, but from my marriage, my husband, my help mate. 

What a crummy feeling. What a sad time to exist.

Confusion sets in. 

I know God is with me, however. Even in this marriage. He is with me. He is with US. 

"US". That was something my husband and I used to share over DM's and private chats. US. That feeling of you and me. You and me. Only YOU and ME. 

That is NOT truth, though. That is NOT real. That is NOT marriage. 

As I sit here at 3 AM and write this, I'm proof that marriage is not what you expect. I left our bed at 1:30AM. I couldn't sleep. I was tossing and turning after my husband moved around and woke me. I cried for about 5-8 minutes in bed before getting up and coming to the living room. Sad. Distraught. ALONE. Wishing I could drift away into a dream. Into an adventure that God had for me. A secret message, if you will. 

But no. That is no longer in the cards for me. That is no longer my experience after marriage. The bedroom and sleep become about each other individually. He takes care of him and I try to take care of me. It's not a happy or lovey-dovey place to exist, however. It's not Desire-ville. 

How I wish I could still dream. 

Oh, what I would do to dream again.

The enviornment that we are in allows us to drift into dreamland. I feel like I have not been able to enter that dream state since marriage started. How sad to admit. After accepting to sleep with another human, my bed was no longer equipped for my dreams. I long for that. I miss that. I crave that. I NEED that. 

Dreaming. 

Dreaming and allowing my body to enter that state was what allowed me to KNOW that my current husband was my help mate in life. I know that now, but didn't quite realize it then.  

I don’t know how this will change. But I know I want connection, touch, conversation, and shared dreams again.

For now, I am simply telling the truth to myself and to God.

So tonight, I leave these words here as a kind of altar. God, You see me wide awake at 3 AM, in a quiet living room instead of a dreaming bed, holding both love and loneliness in the same tired heart.

You see my marriage, my “US,” the distance between the life I imagined and the life I am living.

Please meet me in this in‑between place.

Teach me how to stay soft without disappearing, how to be honest without losing hope, and how to notice even the smallest ways You are still at work in my heart, in Brian’s heart, and in our home.

Until I can dream again, hold the dreams for me.

God, You heard all of that. Stay with me.

 Alternative titles:

• Alone in a Shared Bed
• Alone Together
• Married and Still Alone
• Together, but Not Together
• The Quiet Between Us
• When Marriage Feels Empty
• Praying Through a Lonely Marriage
• God, I’m Married and Still Alone
• Loneliness, Marriage, and Faith