Why am I always so sad and upset about things that I know will work themselves out? I currently have no AC in my house and I've been quoted 12k-15k from Home Depot and 5k from Russett. I went ahead and told them to come install the unit on Monday and needed a down payment of $1400 that I do not have. I ended up canceling everything.
I can't do all this alone. I'm really struggling to sustain myself right now. I can't see an end in sight. I'm really a mess.
I even signed up last week for the IT Works program with Catelyn from IG and she is so determined that I can make this work for me, but I just don't know. I want it to take off and be a viable business, but I don't think I have enough in me to make it work. I don't feel I know enough people or have enough connections. I'm just so down most of the time. It's hard for me to be happy and see the good through it all.
I know that I'm grateful to have shelter and food. I am. I really am. I'm happy that I have gotten this far on my own and have done a lot for myself. I just don't think that I can do this much longer on my own. I don't see the need or reason lately.
I miss God. I used to talk to him all the time like if He were right there with me. I know He's still there, I just don't feel that same connection with Him like I used to. I used to trust that everything would work out all the time, but why not now? What has changed?
I've had a lot of traumatic experiences since I've been an 'adult' that may have had an impact on all of this.
I was raped by Al, my massage therapist, earlier this year and still haven't done anything about it. It makes me angry to know that it happened at all. I know that nothing will change unless I make it change. I know that it's up to me. Why won't I do it? Cause I'm scared of the repercussions. I'm pathetic.
Friday, June 16, 2017
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
Enjoy the Silence
I noticed I seem to like things with little or no words. Let me use words to explain. Some of my favorite songs and movies are ones that are not lyric heavy. Emotions flow through music or noise,but I prefer to infer than to have something told to me. Let me come to my own conclusion.
Anyway, real quick. I've had some weird stuff happen to me lately and I really blame the meds. My body and mind are both telling me that they're rejecting them. The mix of the mood stabilizers and the
back at it after working for a bit. I am wondering if I'm going to notice the withdrawal of the medications. I want to stop cold turkey. I know I can. I think I'm mentally strong enough. The old Evy is. Kyle seems to think I am and so does Al. These are some of the people that still know and believe in the old Evy. This new one is giving up on herself. So...use that.......give up on the old Evy and renew yourself. Give into the new one. This is who you are and who you want to be. Embrace it and love it. Appreciate all that you've fought for and accomplished with those goals in mind and don't give up on them now.
This makes me think of the SAW series. More specifically, the idea behind who Jigsaw was or what his ideas were when planning. Example 1 in the first movie is the guy who tried to kill himself a month earlier when he was a middle-class American who was healthy and still didn't appreciate what he had. Second, mark....the "sick" guy. He also didn't appreciate what he had and he was trying to play people with his little sick act. Anyway.....that's a weird tangent.
I'm watching the SAW series, that's why I was on that thought. John was a very interesting person. Dr. Gordon was not. The intern was disrespectful, etc.
Ok.
How did I let the meds take control over so much? My thoughts, my dreams, my emotions, my reactions, my visions, my energy, etc. It's insane.
Anyway, real quick. I've had some weird stuff happen to me lately and I really blame the meds. My body and mind are both telling me that they're rejecting them. The mix of the mood stabilizers and the
back at it after working for a bit. I am wondering if I'm going to notice the withdrawal of the medications. I want to stop cold turkey. I know I can. I think I'm mentally strong enough. The old Evy is. Kyle seems to think I am and so does Al. These are some of the people that still know and believe in the old Evy. This new one is giving up on herself. So...use that.......give up on the old Evy and renew yourself. Give into the new one. This is who you are and who you want to be. Embrace it and love it. Appreciate all that you've fought for and accomplished with those goals in mind and don't give up on them now.
This makes me think of the SAW series. More specifically, the idea behind who Jigsaw was or what his ideas were when planning. Example 1 in the first movie is the guy who tried to kill himself a month earlier when he was a middle-class American who was healthy and still didn't appreciate what he had. Second, mark....the "sick" guy. He also didn't appreciate what he had and he was trying to play people with his little sick act. Anyway.....that's a weird tangent.
I'm watching the SAW series, that's why I was on that thought. John was a very interesting person. Dr. Gordon was not. The intern was disrespectful, etc.
Ok.
How did I let the meds take control over so much? My thoughts, my dreams, my emotions, my reactions, my visions, my energy, etc. It's insane.
Friday, February 17, 2017
Angst
My need for constant acceptance and approval is so detrimental to my health lately.
I have not been stable.
I have not been stable.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Triggers
These are not normal dizzy spells anymore. They are medication related for sure. How I know is this.
I took my morning meds late today (solar panel installation distraction this am). But...I took them later than normal. About an hour later, I started feeling just dizzy like normal. Then I felt lightheaded. No big deal in my head. Then I had coffee (which kinda messes with me too cause of the caffeine. Then I stopped breathing. Started breathing through my nose out my mouth). Felt like I couldn't breathe. Like a fish out of water like they say. I took my inhaler three times to catch my breath. Panicked. Fell. Started rocking back and forth on the floor and saying gibberish to the Bicos). She started looking at me and barking to snap me out of it. Nope....I hit the floor softly but repeatedly. I started telling myself to breathe. To snap out of cause it's just the meds. Then I started feeling nauseous and sick (lack of oxygen at that point, I'm sure) . So I get up, panicked now cause I feel I'm about to throw up. Although I haven't eaten anything. Then I think "damn, you NEED to eat something if the drs are right". So I tried to breathe and calm down and made coffee and took out my milk cause that could help. Then I started talking to Bica and Bico. Like babies. Like they were talking to me. Well, I guess they do, huh? So now I'm in the house standing while trying to work and not being able to focus. I know I'm panicking as I write this, but it's you. I think this is a great outlet for me. Just typing. I knew it would be. I always said that to myself. I get to just write ideas somewhere. Sadly, it's you that has to read them right now cause i hate everyone else, but.....now i'm seeing that i have to write to feel better. I also have to start to trust people again. Open up more and let go of that fear. But when i take the meds, it's like they stabilize every mood even the good ones back down to bad. Does that make sense? Like. I was super happy all morning. Talking to the guys from SolarCity, friendly, me, myself, laughing, etc. They were giggling with me, cracking jokes, etc I was me. Then I feel the meds kicked in and changed me. I freaked out. Then triggers. A few today. But I know this helps now. I'm having one again right now. I'm trying to sway as I stand up and try to work, but again, my focus is not here at work, it's here at home and me feeling like i'm going to pass out again and keeping my mind and hands busy by talking to you.
I'm not having another cause of the stuff I have falling behind cause I can't get my act together, dude. I know it's mental. I know I know what to do. Breathe. I know. I'm trying. Man, I'm just so behind on things. Like house stuff, normal life stuff, and I keep avoiding them. Thinking they are going to go away. I know they won't. Ok. Done.
I think I'm ok now. I'm just typing away at the sound of my breath. Maybe that's why I always loved computers so much, they were a faster outlet for my mind at times since I type way faster than I write or text. Anyway, I'm about to try to breathe again and not be so worry wart. :P
Then I start cleaning the house cause it's what I do when I'm trying to calm my nerves or regulate my breathing. Just do normal stuff. Breathe in and out. I know. I'm doing it now. And feel such angst inside. I think this is why some writers enjoy writing. Especially those that write their feelings or emotions or thoughts. Sometimes they don't make sense. Like, right now, I'm listening to APC now cause it came on and boom...trigger. I know it. I know it. And becuse I know it and want to overcome it, I try to listen and note that as a trigger or feeling and set it aside. But that's not what meditation has taught me. It's to be in the moment. Be aware. You're just listening to a song. It may FEEL like it's breaking you inside because of what it symbolizes, but it's a thought. Let it fade away. Another meditation i heard recently said to put that idea on a leaf and let it drift away on the moving stream of water to wash it away.
Damn dude, I can't do this. My back hurts so bad and I really don't want to take anything at all for anything, let alone a muscle relaxer or narcotic for pain. Oh, and sadly, my medical card expired because I let that go as well and I found out as I was in dispensary. It takes awhile to renew it, so I panic and now have no release to calm me except valium as prescribed, but I don't want it. I want to be able to balance my mind on my own cause I know I'm strong enough. Everyone else seems to think so including you.
APC triggers such hurt man. Cause of that guy I mentioned to you from Florence. Shit was resurrected from that this past weekend and me being me, i overthink and replay the conversations in my head and then boom...trigger. So shit...i am sitting here having a panic attack as i write this. Ok. I need to just move. Change the music if it's a goddamn trigger and move on. For now. Cause I guess I'm not strong enough.
So, now I'm standing here with just the water fountain on trying to breathe again and when i do breathe deep, i feel dizzy. So then I pause at the top to hold it in and release the body tension and feel lightheaded. Stupid vicious cycle. Then feel like I can't breathe and use inhaler to help, which you already know.
I feel so much better now cause you wrote to me through another place and now i feel calm cause i KNOW it was a panic attack. I label it as such, and move on.
I am still dizzy, however.
I took my morning meds late today (solar panel installation distraction this am). But...I took them later than normal. About an hour later, I started feeling just dizzy like normal. Then I felt lightheaded. No big deal in my head. Then I had coffee (which kinda messes with me too cause of the caffeine. Then I stopped breathing. Started breathing through my nose out my mouth). Felt like I couldn't breathe. Like a fish out of water like they say. I took my inhaler three times to catch my breath. Panicked. Fell. Started rocking back and forth on the floor and saying gibberish to the Bicos). She started looking at me and barking to snap me out of it. Nope....I hit the floor softly but repeatedly. I started telling myself to breathe. To snap out of cause it's just the meds. Then I started feeling nauseous and sick (lack of oxygen at that point, I'm sure) . So I get up, panicked now cause I feel I'm about to throw up. Although I haven't eaten anything. Then I think "damn, you NEED to eat something if the drs are right". So I tried to breathe and calm down and made coffee and took out my milk cause that could help. Then I started talking to Bica and Bico. Like babies. Like they were talking to me. Well, I guess they do, huh? So now I'm in the house standing while trying to work and not being able to focus. I know I'm panicking as I write this, but it's you. I think this is a great outlet for me. Just typing. I knew it would be. I always said that to myself. I get to just write ideas somewhere. Sadly, it's you that has to read them right now cause i hate everyone else, but.....now i'm seeing that i have to write to feel better. I also have to start to trust people again. Open up more and let go of that fear. But when i take the meds, it's like they stabilize every mood even the good ones back down to bad. Does that make sense? Like. I was super happy all morning. Talking to the guys from SolarCity, friendly, me, myself, laughing, etc. They were giggling with me, cracking jokes, etc I was me. Then I feel the meds kicked in and changed me. I freaked out. Then triggers. A few today. But I know this helps now. I'm having one again right now. I'm trying to sway as I stand up and try to work, but again, my focus is not here at work, it's here at home and me feeling like i'm going to pass out again and keeping my mind and hands busy by talking to you.
I'm not having another cause of the stuff I have falling behind cause I can't get my act together, dude. I know it's mental. I know I know what to do. Breathe. I know. I'm trying. Man, I'm just so behind on things. Like house stuff, normal life stuff, and I keep avoiding them. Thinking they are going to go away. I know they won't. Ok. Done.
I think I'm ok now. I'm just typing away at the sound of my breath. Maybe that's why I always loved computers so much, they were a faster outlet for my mind at times since I type way faster than I write or text. Anyway, I'm about to try to breathe again and not be so worry wart. :P
Then I start cleaning the house cause it's what I do when I'm trying to calm my nerves or regulate my breathing. Just do normal stuff. Breathe in and out. I know. I'm doing it now. And feel such angst inside. I think this is why some writers enjoy writing. Especially those that write their feelings or emotions or thoughts. Sometimes they don't make sense. Like, right now, I'm listening to APC now cause it came on and boom...trigger. I know it. I know it. And becuse I know it and want to overcome it, I try to listen and note that as a trigger or feeling and set it aside. But that's not what meditation has taught me. It's to be in the moment. Be aware. You're just listening to a song. It may FEEL like it's breaking you inside because of what it symbolizes, but it's a thought. Let it fade away. Another meditation i heard recently said to put that idea on a leaf and let it drift away on the moving stream of water to wash it away.
Damn dude, I can't do this. My back hurts so bad and I really don't want to take anything at all for anything, let alone a muscle relaxer or narcotic for pain. Oh, and sadly, my medical card expired because I let that go as well and I found out as I was in dispensary. It takes awhile to renew it, so I panic and now have no release to calm me except valium as prescribed, but I don't want it. I want to be able to balance my mind on my own cause I know I'm strong enough. Everyone else seems to think so including you.
APC triggers such hurt man. Cause of that guy I mentioned to you from Florence. Shit was resurrected from that this past weekend and me being me, i overthink and replay the conversations in my head and then boom...trigger. So shit...i am sitting here having a panic attack as i write this. Ok. I need to just move. Change the music if it's a goddamn trigger and move on. For now. Cause I guess I'm not strong enough.
So, now I'm standing here with just the water fountain on trying to breathe again and when i do breathe deep, i feel dizzy. So then I pause at the top to hold it in and release the body tension and feel lightheaded. Stupid vicious cycle. Then feel like I can't breathe and use inhaler to help, which you already know.
I feel so much better now cause you wrote to me through another place and now i feel calm cause i KNOW it was a panic attack. I label it as such, and move on.
I am still dizzy, however.
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