I need help. Mental help. There is something wrong with the way that I think of myself and my actions towards myself. I need nurturing. I want someone to care for me and tell me. I need to stop wanting these things, however. I am not weak. I can be stronger on my own. I do NOT need a man to help me with these things. I simply need a friend. This all came about because Natalie had to intervene today. She told me that she had to leave yesterday because she needed a break from it all.
I'm too much to handle. My depression is eating away at the light inside of me. My mom cried all day yesterday. On her birthday. What a shitty daughter I am. THOSE are the thoughts that she has on her birthday? Because of me? Imagine. Her assumption was that I'm overdosing on pain meds. That's the conclusion. My behavior to all those around me doesn't prove contrary.
I shut myself in. Natalie sees it and has to deal with it. She broke down in front of me. She says she can't handle another situation like the one she's experienced before. Kyle was helping. Now he's gone. I've pushed even him away. The one that I felt understood. My only outlet is now gone. I've pushed even him away.
So much for friends....I need to pay for a friend now. I need a therapist. How sad I've become? My life is not bad yet I make it so. I know I do. I just don't know how to handle the overwhelming pressure I feel inside. I feel like I am not adept to handle them, but I know that I am. I'm so depressed inside and I know it because I feel it daily. It consumes me. There is no longer a fire inside of me.....it's been dimming for months and I feel as if last night was the night it should have gone off.....But it didn't. I'm still here. I woke up another day and can handle it like every other day...one day at a time.
I feel used. Betrayed. Hurt. Trying not to feel this way and be a victim. I know it's wrong. I'm aware of that. I just want someone to treat me the way that I treat them in love. Maybe that's what's going on and I don't like it. Walls are put up for a reason. I'm not trying to break them down. I'm trying to move into the other side of the wall. that place of internal peace. of freedom
I keep feeling that the more I give to someone, the more they'll give back to be and that has never been true.... I expect the moon. I know my expectations are unreal now. There is no love for me.
I keep pushing everyone away as a defense mechanism. I put up my walls, but inside....I'm so weak. I need to put the walls up sooner because now my walls are all collapsing.
Liberate me.
Free me.
I need a release.
I need joy.
I need innocent joy.
Why am I so overly dramatic? Why do I feel like I'm going to break? Like I'm going through a mid-life crisis? I'm only 29 years old, for God's sake.
God's sake....that's something else that eats me. Everyday. Little by little. Is God watching me angrily? Do I beleive that anymore? I don't. I want to believe in people now and I know I can't. I won't. No more will I be trust blindly. It's painful. I have to protect my heart now more than ever.
I will. I can do it. Alone. Independantly. I am not co-dependant. No longer. I am my own person. I am not going to live for other people's happiness and pleasure. I need to become cold, like everyone else around me. I feel my compassion for other's as a trigger for my pain. It needs to stop.
I will start this week by removing physical triggers from my life. I need to stop making them have power over my emotions.
I think I'm finally ready to be alone.
