I saw him today. Brian. As I walked back to my office with Sam today from a coffee run. He was alone. Walking to the union. It was so hard to see him. As he passed us by, I saw him and then cried the entire way back to my office.
The overwhelming pain is almost unbearable.
June 16
He came by again on Thursday after he got back from Florida. I am an idiot. I really thought he missed me. Me. My person. Not just the sex. I did call him for that, so I know it's always my fault. Especially when I drink any alcohol. I end up reaching out to him.
I then messaged him again this morning (Sat) with no update. I did talk to him briefly yesterday at work, but that was short. I don't think he really wants to be with me. I think he really is still with the family and Charlene. It sucks that he still leads me on as well as her though. It's not fair. I hate it.
I feel like I'm his puppet at times. Why am I so attached to him? He doesn't love me. He justs uses me.
I've been trying to get ahold of him to no avail. I straight up asked him if he loved me and there was no answer. It's heartbreaking.
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
What I don't see
I'm worried that I'm holding onto something that isn't real with my relationship and what I 'think' I want. Brian came over yesterday and fixed my front light for my car and put air in my bike tires for me to ride it again. I used to love riding.
I got an email from Mary today about my work status. I'm scared. I messaged her back and told her and Susan that I would send it back in to them as soon as possible.
November 20th is the end of my CTL and my short term disability claim. I'm scared to return to work. I'm worried that I may not know enough to do the work that's requested of me since I don't have the degree to back it up. I am not stupid, but I don't feel qualified for this position with all of this new mental and medical diagnosis.
I'm at a point of mental exhaustian. I feel so mentally overwhelmed and I haven't gotten it all out yet. Not sure what I need to do to feel free and relaxed, but i know i've stressed.
I went to see Chuckie on Thursday since it was his birthday on Tuesday. He turned 30. I know the feeling. We went to go watch Jusitce League. It was good.
I got an email from Mary today about my work status. I'm scared. I messaged her back and told her and Susan that I would send it back in to them as soon as possible.
November 20th is the end of my CTL and my short term disability claim. I'm scared to return to work. I'm worried that I may not know enough to do the work that's requested of me since I don't have the degree to back it up. I am not stupid, but I don't feel qualified for this position with all of this new mental and medical diagnosis.
I'm at a point of mental exhaustian. I feel so mentally overwhelmed and I haven't gotten it all out yet. Not sure what I need to do to feel free and relaxed, but i know i've stressed.
I went to see Chuckie on Thursday since it was his birthday on Tuesday. He turned 30. I know the feeling. We went to go watch Jusitce League. It was good.
Catastrophic endevors
Life. What we claim it to be. What is it? What is Life? Do we have any part in it? Do we have any part in what happens in our own lives? Some will argue that we do. Some will argue that we do not as a Higher Power has written it before us and FOR us. Whatever you decide, Love is ultimately the answer to this riddle. God is Love. We are to shine as God shines and as His son Jesus shone during his 33 years here on Earth.
I believe in the crucifixion, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe in God Almighty, who's given me new life. My life was awful just a few months ago.
I'm doing better, but it's hard still. Things are slow going. It's hard to just.....be. I have no real reason to continue or want more. I want to do something meaningful. I want to write a book or I want to be able to do something that has value.
I think I just want attention. I know that I'm a vain individual. I know that I am too self-absorbed. I miss Brian. He made me feel valuable. He was on my same level. I hate that I'm doing these things alone now, but I know it's better for us both. He is seeing his kids now and he's been happier now than he was before. He text me last night at 2:30am, but he said it was just to check in. I don't believe it.
I wish I had someone to share things with. Natalie is back in my life again, and it's been good. I appreciate her attention and her wealth of knowledge to continue and to do better. I know she is often stressed and gets angry inside and wants things different, but it's not how it is. She needs to learn to deal with her anger. I think she needs to meditate.
I feel like at least one weekly journaling session here and then at least two meditations a week should be good for me. I think I need to talk to someone. I haven't been very good about going back to my therapist. I have called her and forgot to check my voicemails.
I also need to figure out what to do about the house. There are a few checks that I have piling up and still haven't decided what's best. How to go about it. I hate being alone to make these decisions.
I feel like I used to be defined by my past, but now, I don't even know how to be alone. I don't know who I am. I want to go do things, but I don't want to enjoy them alone. I want to be able to share things with other people. I prefer to share people's happiness.
Ideas for a book:
Horror dreams
I believe in the crucifixion, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe in God Almighty, who's given me new life. My life was awful just a few months ago.
I'm doing better, but it's hard still. Things are slow going. It's hard to just.....be. I have no real reason to continue or want more. I want to do something meaningful. I want to write a book or I want to be able to do something that has value.
I think I just want attention. I know that I'm a vain individual. I know that I am too self-absorbed. I miss Brian. He made me feel valuable. He was on my same level. I hate that I'm doing these things alone now, but I know it's better for us both. He is seeing his kids now and he's been happier now than he was before. He text me last night at 2:30am, but he said it was just to check in. I don't believe it.
I wish I had someone to share things with. Natalie is back in my life again, and it's been good. I appreciate her attention and her wealth of knowledge to continue and to do better. I know she is often stressed and gets angry inside and wants things different, but it's not how it is. She needs to learn to deal with her anger. I think she needs to meditate.
I feel like at least one weekly journaling session here and then at least two meditations a week should be good for me. I think I need to talk to someone. I haven't been very good about going back to my therapist. I have called her and forgot to check my voicemails.
I also need to figure out what to do about the house. There are a few checks that I have piling up and still haven't decided what's best. How to go about it. I hate being alone to make these decisions.
I feel like I used to be defined by my past, but now, I don't even know how to be alone. I don't know who I am. I want to go do things, but I don't want to enjoy them alone. I want to be able to share things with other people. I prefer to share people's happiness.
Ideas for a book:
Horror dreams
I can't see him anymore
I was just walking from 7/11 when I see Brian walking from his garage and a Starbucks cup in his hand. He starts walking to CC when I see it's him. I call his name and he waits up for me. He says he can't see well anymore and needs to go see a vision doctor. It was so awkward. It was so painful. I came back to my desk and cried. I'm crying now. I can't believe he still has an effect on me. I hate it.
I wish I knew what the heck was happening. I can't get over him. I miss someone to talk to and just have around. I messaged Patrick to just sit down and talk to me. He helped. Distractions help.
He didn't even recognize me. He walked by, looked back, saw a person, and didn't recognize it was even me. Like he forgot me and what I looked like and all that time we spent together. I was in so much pain. He talked to me about the concert last night that Sakari had and that she has late start on Wednesdays and he takes her to school on those days and comes in late on Wednesdays because of it. He said he still leaves at 4pm even though he comes in late on Wednesdays and asked me if that was bad. I told him that he'd be like every other employee.
The entire walk and conversation felt off. I felt on edge and defensive. I didn't want to be around him much longer without a real conversation about real things. I don't want to keep thinking that things may work with him when in reality, they aren't really panning out that way.
I hated seeing him. I miss his presence and his personality, but I hate that he has no idea how much he's hurting me. He really makes my heart ache. I don't know what I want, either. I know I don't want to feel so alone or so sad anymore. I want to be able to enjoy things alone and do things that make me happy, but I don't know what that is.
Patrick said that I need to find who I am. I wish I knew. Seems like lately, that's just a sad little girl who is overly emotional about everything and just smokes the pain away now. Sucks. Seems like I've become the person I never thought of before. Into bad things. Not having any restraint or discipline.
I've also gained 30 pounds since Natalie has been back. Not that it's at all her fault, but I've been eating like crazy and not working out. Just not a good combo.
I wish I knew what the heck was happening. I can't get over him. I miss someone to talk to and just have around. I messaged Patrick to just sit down and talk to me. He helped. Distractions help.
He didn't even recognize me. He walked by, looked back, saw a person, and didn't recognize it was even me. Like he forgot me and what I looked like and all that time we spent together. I was in so much pain. He talked to me about the concert last night that Sakari had and that she has late start on Wednesdays and he takes her to school on those days and comes in late on Wednesdays because of it. He said he still leaves at 4pm even though he comes in late on Wednesdays and asked me if that was bad. I told him that he'd be like every other employee.
The entire walk and conversation felt off. I felt on edge and defensive. I didn't want to be around him much longer without a real conversation about real things. I don't want to keep thinking that things may work with him when in reality, they aren't really panning out that way.
I hated seeing him. I miss his presence and his personality, but I hate that he has no idea how much he's hurting me. He really makes my heart ache. I don't know what I want, either. I know I don't want to feel so alone or so sad anymore. I want to be able to enjoy things alone and do things that make me happy, but I don't know what that is.
Patrick said that I need to find who I am. I wish I knew. Seems like lately, that's just a sad little girl who is overly emotional about everything and just smokes the pain away now. Sucks. Seems like I've become the person I never thought of before. Into bad things. Not having any restraint or discipline.
I've also gained 30 pounds since Natalie has been back. Not that it's at all her fault, but I've been eating like crazy and not working out. Just not a good combo.
New day, new year, new Evy, new Yvette, new life
New. You're so new.
How is Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, or any of the other social media platforms different than spying on one another? I don't want to know what everyone is doing at every moment of their day. I try so hard for privacy for me to post my own story publicly.
There are certain people I often wonder about or think about what they could be up to, but i don't go looking for them. it feels odd to me.
I went on a "date" with a friend of Brett's named Andrew Hollaman. He was sweet. We started by meeting at Caffe Lucce for coffee at 2pm on Jan 4th, 2018.
I went to donate all of Brian's things to Casa De Los Ninos on Mountain Avenue on Sunday, Jan 7th.
I felt great doing it, too. I felt like I was letting stuff go that needed to be let go of. It's also the same place where I donated all my own belongings and Luis' old belongings when we divorced.
I want to die before my dogs. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I don't know how I'd cope.
How is Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, or any of the other social media platforms different than spying on one another? I don't want to know what everyone is doing at every moment of their day. I try so hard for privacy for me to post my own story publicly.
There are certain people I often wonder about or think about what they could be up to, but i don't go looking for them. it feels odd to me.
I went on a "date" with a friend of Brett's named Andrew Hollaman. He was sweet. We started by meeting at Caffe Lucce for coffee at 2pm on Jan 4th, 2018.
I went to donate all of Brian's things to Casa De Los Ninos on Mountain Avenue on Sunday, Jan 7th.
I felt great doing it, too. I felt like I was letting stuff go that needed to be let go of. It's also the same place where I donated all my own belongings and Luis' old belongings when we divorced.
I want to die before my dogs. I don't know how I'll deal with it. I don't know how I'd cope.
Today is the day
I turned 31 yesterday. It was good. I had a great weekend with my friend, Celeste and my cousin, Natalie.
CrazEvy
I was called crazy, weird, and ridiculous today by someone at work named Greg Wessels. I've tried to befriend him, and I guess that's the impact I've had on him. I was kind of sad to hear that, to be honest.
I saw Brian yesterday on my way back from the union with Sam. It was difficult to see him. It's still difficult for me. I was so in love with him and dedicated to him and.....ugh.
I saw Brian yesterday on my way back from the union with Sam. It was difficult to see him. It's still difficult for me. I was so in love with him and dedicated to him and.....ugh.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
TRIPS AND CRAP
Things to remember/things to write about in detail
Going to Bisbee with Andrew
Vegas Trip Planned
San Diego trip planned
Vino wine festival
valentine's day at the Ritz-Carlton
Brian's texts every now and so often and what I'm supposed to get from them and learn from them and what the heck his expectations are.
Brian's texting me right now. It's so tempting to just have him come over and talk, but I know what that means sometimes and I'm not ready for it. I'm dating someone. I just wish I knew what to do.
Brian came over last night. I drank two bottles of wine and I think our texts just lead to him coming over. He helped me out of the bathtub last night. I wish I remembered how that all happened. I really despise him most times. He says things that make me crazy and put me in my head. I blocked him finally. I'm so proud of myself. I can't believe it. Finally. He's out of my head. I got him out of my system.
I bought two Blu ray movies lately and from a gas station, no less. I bought Side effects and the internship.
I don't remember what happened the night that Brian came over. He came over and I think I was in the tub and I had thrown up all the pumpkin popcorn
How do I cheer up again and become myself? I feel like I'm super depressed again and it's always after I see or talk to Brian.
Do I believe in ghosts, spirits, presences, or people communicating beyond this life? I wonder.
We leave for San Diego tomorrow! I'm SO excited. I want to vacation with Andrew anywhere! He's awesome. I like his company and he is very similar to me. I like his company. I like his demeanor. I like his personality, I like his respectful nature, I like him overall.
I can't wait to feel the San Diego weather on my face. The cool wind and the humidity from the water nearby. I don't personally like the muggy feeling, but it's worth it when you have the other stuff like the air and the scenery, etc.
We leave for SD today! I'm waiting until about 10 to go to the dentist and get my night guard. Then I'm going next door to get my haircut and then possibly even going to get my eyebrows threaded.
I want to listen to some of my tunes on the way up there. Let's see if he's willing to let me.
Going to Bisbee with Andrew
Vegas Trip Planned
San Diego trip planned
Vino wine festival
valentine's day at the Ritz-Carlton
Brian's texts every now and so often and what I'm supposed to get from them and learn from them and what the heck his expectations are.
Brian's texting me right now. It's so tempting to just have him come over and talk, but I know what that means sometimes and I'm not ready for it. I'm dating someone. I just wish I knew what to do.
Brian came over last night. I drank two bottles of wine and I think our texts just lead to him coming over. He helped me out of the bathtub last night. I wish I remembered how that all happened. I really despise him most times. He says things that make me crazy and put me in my head. I blocked him finally. I'm so proud of myself. I can't believe it. Finally. He's out of my head. I got him out of my system.
I bought two Blu ray movies lately and from a gas station, no less. I bought Side effects and the internship.
I don't remember what happened the night that Brian came over. He came over and I think I was in the tub and I had thrown up all the pumpkin popcorn
How do I cheer up again and become myself? I feel like I'm super depressed again and it's always after I see or talk to Brian.
Do I believe in ghosts, spirits, presences, or people communicating beyond this life? I wonder.
We leave for San Diego tomorrow! I'm SO excited. I want to vacation with Andrew anywhere! He's awesome. I like his company and he is very similar to me. I like his company. I like his demeanor. I like his personality, I like his respectful nature, I like him overall.
I can't wait to feel the San Diego weather on my face. The cool wind and the humidity from the water nearby. I don't personally like the muggy feeling, but it's worth it when you have the other stuff like the air and the scenery, etc.
We leave for SD today! I'm waiting until about 10 to go to the dentist and get my night guard. Then I'm going next door to get my haircut and then possibly even going to get my eyebrows threaded.
I want to listen to some of my tunes on the way up there. Let's see if he's willing to let me.
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