Homebase

I'm home. Back home. My home base. I'm SO happy to be back. I didn't realize the gravity of this entire issue until I came back to Tucson. Chuckie had to go get me! He and Natalie got a rental and drove up there to get me. I was NOT good. Wow. I can't imagine the shit I've put him through. 

As my last post mentioned, I was in Utah. I left for 10 weeks on a whim. That was a bad call. Very bad call. I started drinking heavily during my time up there. I was first drinking hard alcohol shots during the day. Maybe one or two with a seltzer. Towards the end, I was drinking a bottle of wine a day-ish. The straw that broke the camel's back was one day when I drank TWO bottles of wine during the day and made some stupid decisions that I can't remember.

I crashed my car. I got a DUI citation. I'm in the process right now of fighting it. I hired a lawyer named Lorenzo Miller. There are two parts to a DUI. Civil and Criminal. The civil part is where the DMV and the cop talk to decide if they deem it necessary to remove your license or not. I REALLY lucked out in that the cop didn't even call in during our hearing! Meaning...I don't get my license revoked. The second part, the criminal part, is the part where my case gets looked at to see what the charges are and the sentence. Right now, Lorenzo is waiting on the 'discovery' information from the state's defense lawyer to see where they're coming from so that we can start our case. I called yesterday and there's nothing new evidence-wise. When it comes to the car, I'm in the settlement process right now. I was offered 8___ initially and then asked them to re-evaluate it. I was then offered another amount which was a little over a thousand of the initial offer so that basically covered the deductible. That's some great news thought the midst of all of this aside from keeping my license. 

I've pushed Chuckie away even. Damn. What a mess I become when I drink. What a mess I become when I lose control. When I give up or give in. I was allowing myself to just keep living in the dark cycle that I had created for myself over there. I know I was not happy. I felt it. I knew it the first time I wanted to leave. Then the second. The third time I didn't even unpack anything and left it all packed up and in his extra room. I wasn't taking care of my issues up there. Just drowning them out and pushing them away. 

I talked to Jacoby today and told him all of this. I was ashamed of saying it all, but it's the truth. I can't stop what happened. It happened. I have to take full responsibility for it. I do. I crashed. I crashed my card really hard into a tree. The airbags went off. I could have killed someone. I could have killed myself.

Wow. 

What a turn my life has taken. 

I'm scared of Greg and what he is capable of doing as payback. The same goes for Mike. 

Mike...I haven't talked to you about him before, but I met him the data after Thanksgiving outside of a club. He's a bouncer. I don't feel safe around him. I don't want to be his friend. Both of these people are bullies. It's hard because I get it. I am too. I can hurt people. I HAVE hurt people. 

The quiet in the storm?

I really don't know what I'm doing or where my life is heading. 

I am in Draper, Utah. I've been here since April 5th. I came on a whim. 

Greg and I were separated and spoke for about 2-3 days before I decided to drive up here. 

 I packed whatever I thought I needed to live off of, the Bicos, and drove up here without much thought. I was happy, nervous, and proud of myself for making that decision. I always take a long time to make any decisions, so that was a leap of faith in some ways. 

 I am drinking wine as we speak. cabernet. I got a bottle from the top of his room's shelf. Anyway, I feel like I shouldn't be drinking,but at the same time, I feel as if it's the PERFECt time to be drinking. I'm depressed, sad, lonely. alone, heartbroken, etc. 

I'm just sad. Emotionally and literally. I'm pathetically sad.