Monday, February 8, 2021

Surprise, grandma!

 I learned so much on this last trip to Yuma. It was a surprise trip to see grandma. It was an amazing trip, honestly. I loved the surprise part of it, I loved seeing grandma sitting in her chair outside 

Overwhelmed with so much emotion. 

Natalie and her father. 

Mayela's conversations and information we learn. 

Seeing grandma and how much life I've heard of. This trip felt like such a family reunion. I think it was one of the most impactful trips to Yuma I've ever had. There were so many stories to hear. 

We saw Mayita. She was in a bad crash. That was hard to hear about. She is scheduled to have surgery for her broken vertebrae. 

I overheard grandma also telling Gali that she would rather see in her alive and in person than her coming when it's too late. Gali was like "QUE?!" and then grandma looked over at me and said "pues es cierto, mija! Ya en una caja pa que me quieren ver?"

I heard so much about my mom. They're garbled in my head right now since they ranged greatly. 

E military Puerto Rican man who proposed to her with a yellow, topaz ring. Tia suspects my mom still owns it and kept trying to drive that point home pretty hard.

If she does, so what, right? Good for her to keep such great memories with her. If there's regret, then I wouldn't be here I said, but I'd also be happy for her to have done what made her happy. 

I'm sorry that wasn't my father. That's ok with me, but I wish he'd understand that it still hurts a bit. There is so much left unsaid. 





Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Touching My Heart Center

 Brian. 

Brian William Edwards. 


We are back together. 


It feels odd. 


So much of it feels great, comfortable, secure, safe.....there is a part of me, however, that 



Depersonalization

 The Body Keeps the Score: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mjRaawM9YU&t=26277s


There's an outward manifestation of the outward disassociation 

Monday, December 7, 2020

I Praise YOU with confidence!

 SING WITH CONFIDENCE!

WE SING A LITTLE LOUDER!

YOU HAVE THE AUTHORITY! 


If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking. 

And oh
How He loves us so
Oh how He loves us so
And we are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption
By the faith in our lives
If his love is an ocean
We're all sinking






Saturday, October 24, 2020

ERASER (polite)

 Need you

Dream you

Find you

Taste you

Use you

Scar you

Fuck you

Break you



Need dream find taste use scare fuck break


Sunday, October 11, 2020

Wash me, Forgive me, Give me peace

Sinner's Prayer

Jesus, I believe that you are the son of God. That you died for me, to pay for my sins. I believe you're alive today. That you want a relationship with me. Today I surrender my life to you,  make me a new creation, as I live for you, Jesus. In your name, I pray. Amen. 


Bind the spirit of fear. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2020

Next Stop: Normalcy

 I'm starting to feel normal again. Normal? 

Back to my old self. That's what I mean by normal. I have Brian back in my life. I feel like we are starting where we left off. This is what I wanted. So badly. I have cried so many tears for this moment. I'm happy it's happening.....it's just so hard to swallow without any previous talk. I want to hear what he has to say about some things, but at the same time, it REALLY doesn't matter. 


We're here. Now. We're together. Now. TODAY. 

We had a discussion that wsa a bit difficult. He mentioned what I saw in my past 'guys'. Ooof, that was hard. It started because he told me the picture on the side of my fridge of me was nice. It happened to be the picture that Raul took when we went to Mt. Lemmon one morning to catch the sunrise. It must have been winter or something because I had a long sleeve shirt under an old KFMA day shirt I own(ed).....I feel like maybe tossing it.