Date Nights

 Brian and I have been going on regular 'date nights'. I love it. It feels like something special. It feels as if we're trying to work on 'us'. 

He even said that in his own way. He said that 'we were putting time in for us'. Our outings have been great. We have fun together. He treats me like a queen out in public. Always has his attention on me and treats me well and gives me kisses and touches me here and there just to have contact. I love him so much. 

Thank you, God for bringing him back into my life. I feel that I'm already making progress out of my depression and denial. 

I couldn't have gotten here without you. My prayers and my laments, pleas, cries, etc. 

Thank you. 

Thank you. 

Thank you. 

Thank you. 

Amen. 

Brown Sugar Oatmilk

 He brought it home. He went to get coffee creamer for himself and brought home Starbucks for us. Thoughtful. Kind. I appreciate him and am so grateful for him. 

I've had the best sleep I've had in so long. I feel safe. Secure. Complete. Whole. At peace. At ease. Comfortable. 

I have a feeling he may not feel the same way here at the house, however. I want this to be his safe place. His haven. The place where he can be honest. Where HE can feel safe and loved and cared for and not fought against or having to be defensive or on guard all the time. I want him to think I'm his friend and not his enemy. 

Sometimes I feel that. 

However, he still treats me so well. I love him and the care he has for me and the kindness and love that he shows me. 

Reminising

 Reminiscing

I'm here listening to Raul's song titled "Rosa Negra" which means BlackRose. He wrote it for me. Man....I fucked with our feelings. I wish we would have just remained 'primos' and nothing else. We had a good time, but it wasn't good for the overall relationship that we COULD have had. He is a good soul. I miss some of our talks when we were high haha. I also miss it when we would just listen to music. That's huge for me. I love doing nothing and listening to music and just being able to think and reflect. 

I've done a lot of that lately. I've done a lot of praying. A lot of talking to God about what I want and where my life is heading. I know that I want to make amends. Amends with Raul amends with Greg Williams, I want to make amends with Greg Wessels...I want to make amends with Abigail Lizarraga....my father. 

I remember when I told him that I hated him. To be fair, it was already after he slapped me across the face when I was younger, as well as cut the wires of my Buick Skylark so that I can no longer drive it. That was after I drove it to Daniel's aunt's house. I lied to them. I told them that I was going to another place. My mom was very astute and keen on the lie. She knew. Come on now, she was a teenager at one point as well. She did end up going on a different path at that age, but still.....she understands now..I hope.

Right now, I'm watching Brian play Gran Turismo Sport. He's really good. He tends to often end up in the first place. Impressive. 

He's so handsome to me. I also put on Gregory Porter on Spotify. I just finished petting Bico. He's such a funny little dude. I love him so much. Just like that crazy little Bica. She keeps staring at the wall or random places that have nothing to look at. Crazy butts. 

Brian and I have put our money together again. I added him to my Chase accounts and he added me to his. I can't add him to the main Starbucks account, but we'll figure something out. Maybe he can take and use the card when we know it's going to be a bigger amount of purchases? We'll see. 

What a Difference a Day Makes

https://open.spotify.com/track/66iKqUazBbTlAEjcZrpDkD?si=JBWC5h1ATnmjdB4fjwQ74w

I took yesterday off from work. I wasn't doing so well after grandma's news on Wednesday. 

Surprise, grandma!

 I learned so much on this last trip to Yuma. It was a surprise trip to see grandma. It was an amazing trip, honestly. I loved the surprise part of it, I loved seeing grandma sitting in her chair outside 

Overwhelmed with so much emotion. 

Natalie and her father. 

Mayela's conversations and information we learn. 

Seeing grandma and how much life I've heard of. This trip felt like such a family reunion. I think it was one of the most impactful trips to Yuma I've ever had. There were so many stories to hear. 

We saw Mayita. She was in a bad crash. That was hard to hear about. She is scheduled to have surgery for her broken vertebrae. 

I overheard grandma also telling Gali that she would rather see in her alive and in person than her coming when it's too late. Gali was like "QUE?!" and then grandma looked over at me and said "pues es cierto, mija! Ya en una caja pa que me quieren ver?"

I heard so much about my mom. They're garbled in my head right now since they ranged greatly. 

E military Puerto Rican man who proposed to her with a yellow, topaz ring. Tia suspects my mom still owns it and kept trying to drive that point home pretty hard.

If she does, so what, right? Good for her to keep such great memories with her. If there's regret, then I wouldn't be here I said, but I'd also be happy for her to have done what made her happy. 

I'm sorry that wasn't my father. That's ok with me, but I wish he'd understand that it still hurts a bit. There is so much left unsaid. 

Touching My Heart Center

 Brian. 

Brian William Edwards. 

We are back together. 

It feels odd. 

So much of it feels great, comfortable, secure, safe.....there is a part of me, however, that 

Depersonalization

 The Body Keeps the Score: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mjRaawM9YU&t=26277s

There's an outward manifestation of the outward disassociation