Sadness consumes me

It's been two months since my surgery and I've lost 30lbs. Yes, that's a good number, but I'm sabotaging myself. I should be at 40 lbs at the two month follow up. 

This last week has been super depressing for me. About the same as the week that I tried to kill myself. I hate myself, my life, my relationship, my situation, etc. Brian and I argue constantly. We don't get along anymore. The only time we're fine is when we're at the movies together (cause we don't have to talk) or in the early mornings when he wants to have sex (again, no talking). 

So yeah, it's been a very sad road for me. I know I bring this upon myself. My sadness comes from within, but I can't stop it. I want to be alone, I want to take drugs, I want to always be high, I want to kill myself ultimately. I know my life isn't as bad as I make it seem. I know that. Brian tells me that all the time. He doesn't get it. At all. Anyway, I am sitting here waiting for Brian to make food since he doesn't want me in the kitchen. We are not talking now because I simply asked him about making breakfast. He took it the wrong way, and I told him I'd get out of the kitchen. He said "you always do this". Whatever, man. I don't mean to make him mad. He's soo fucking slow doing things that take me no time at all. It's upsetting. I'm inpatient. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I wish he'd understand that instead of get mad. He doesn't know how to talk to me and I don't know how to talk to him. We are on completely different levels in life. He's in a different stage in his life compared to me. I'm starting to think that this won't work out anymore. I've been so down on myself lately that all I want is to get out of this relationship. I know that doesn't answer anything, but I feel like I'd rather rot away by myself instead of having someone with me. I already know that Brian has changed since he's been with me, but I don't want him to change anymore. He isn't as happy as he used to be. It's my fault. I want
 out. I want it to stop. I have to get the courage to stop this relationship for his sake.

I'm going to walk some dogs from Rover.com. I'll be back later.