Work is literally sucking the life out of me

I don't know if I came back too soon or if my mental capacity really has changed after my diagnosis.

I feel stupid. I feel incompetent. I feel slow. I feel useless.

I feel as if I'm bringing the team down.

I put my CUI forms into prd last night. When I was doing so, I had multiple issues opening my blueprint in production due to size limitations. I continued to try to open it using the information read on Cherwell FOrms of other admins also having this issue and how to work around the issue by scanning the blueprint multiple times until the blueprint opened up successfully. The blueprint did finally open, and I published the forms. I had to publish more than once in order to have them successfully publish. Apparently, my forms had a change tot he INSR portal view that messed up all the portals.

Sam is on the phone with Cherwell now trying to rollback my changes and revert our db. I suck.

Next day:

Jeff spoke with me yesterday evening. It was hard. He was upset but sounded like he had tried to fix things without throwing me under. I hope that's true. I really don't know what to believe with him anymore.

Jeff just put a meeting on the calendar 30 minutes from now and I'm freaking out. I feel like he's going to let me have it in front of the team. I really don't know what to do or say any more to help make things right. I'm trying. Hard. I'm working hard. Over time, even.

So I'm back from that meeting and it actually went very well. Sam showed us why things broke (my form publishes) and I know he was upset, but he didn't lash out at me. We then talked about what happened, why it broke, what the resolution was, how we can prevent things like this in the future, and what lessons we learned from it all. It went well. I was scared, like always, but it went well.

Now I'm finally eating lunch at my desk (2:18pm) and watching a show on Hulu called Castle Rock by Stephen King AND JJ Abrams. Should be a great series.


Here's some other stuff that I want to write about. I've been seeing Raul Lizarraga since around 4th of July this year. It's been interesting. It's been fun. It's been also scary. Feels like we've gotten really close really quick. It also feels as if we have too much in common. We constantly joke that we could be related.....we don't want that, but who knows?