So much hate and anger in me lately. I have a lot of deep seeded quilt and shame and I can't forgive myself for many of my past choices. I did wrong. Multiple times did I do wrong. I am not used to answering for my actions and now they've caught up with me mentally. I'm an emotional wreck as well as a mental catastrophe.
I need to find a hobby. A way to take my minds off things and to enjoy myself. Time with me. That's an ugly thought. I'm not a good person anymore. I feel like I need to be disciplined, scolded, hit, etc. What a shitty thing to even think.
That isn't proven to be effective (my past validates this), yet keep doing it to myself. I hate that I'm so damn hard on myself at times. I really need to wrangle myself in and learn some discipline. Learn to be responsible for my choices and actions. I need to learn a new hobby. What calls to me? Honestly...what calls my attention? I used to love going to church for a lot of reasons, but one thing I enjoy is that I'm around some like-minded people who have many of the same values and morals that I do.
Yet, I say these things and I don't even act on them. I am not living my example I guess is what I'm really saying. I think one thing, say another thing and act another way. It's hypocritical. My thoughts and actions don't line up. I want to get to a place where they DO line up.
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