Vivir Sin Aire

 Como quisiera poder vivir sin aire. 

Rene, te extrano. En veces me pongo a pensar como estuviera la vida si estuvieras aqui todavia. En veces me pongo a pensar…..que tal que no fueras como te imaginamos. Y sabes que, Rene? Ninguno de nosotros vamos a saber. 

Como quisiera poder vivir sin aire. 

Como quisiera calamar my affliction

Como quisiera poder vivir sin agua

Me encantaria robarte tu corazón. 

So I reached out to Raul last week to ask if he'd be willing to have me apologize to him face to face. He said no. which is what I expected. He said that the only way he'd forgive me is to not ever reach out to him again. Fair. So fair.

I haven't talked to Peter in about a week. We talked things through and well...I do a lot of things to self sabotage myself. He pointed that out and he's so damn right. How did I let that happen? Peter came over late on Sunday night and stayed overnight. 

Brian was coming to pick me up on Monday morning to go to a doctor's apointment and well...He came early and saw Peter's car. 

Yeah. 

Self-sabotage, again. 

Ugh.I disgust myself. 

Is this a test? Is this me testing things? Is this just the way I do things? This is the way I USED to do things. This is not the way I want to be. 

I lack honesty. I lack trust. I lack integrity. I lack. 

que chingado estoy haciendo? De veras....que estupida. Ya vino para atras Brian. Y mira como me estoy portando. 

What's wrong with me and men? With me and sex? With me and the need for attention. Why? I get that from my father I'm sure. My mom doesn't seem like she'd be like that. 

He's here. He is here. He still loves me? Why? GOD, if this were the other way around, I wouldn't even know what or how to feel about all of this.