Back in time

 2.0

Brian William Edwards

Future. Marriage. Forever. 

Back up? Booty call? Rebound? A good, young woman who is sort of infatuated with him. Is he long term? Is this supposed to be long term? I prayed for this. I asked for this. I begged for this. I want to make this work. I just want to know that he's coming back because he sees my value and worth more than he did before -- Because I see his value in my life more and more each time we see each other. He is sweet, kind, patient, loving, understanding, upbeat, positive, hopeful, loves God, knows how to speak to my mind (inner Evy).

The Covid

 Quarantine. This is so crazy. These days are insane. This virus. Life is like a video game right now. Really? A deadly virus? A PANDEMIC? What the F**k?

I'm watching the UofA briefing right on the day after Labor Day weekend. The Greek houses screwed our numbers. Badly. Parties. Makes sense. We knew it would happen. I guess we had no idea how BAD it would increase. 75%. Seventy fucking five percent. Three out of four people are testing positive on campus. 

Ugh. 

I hurt

 Have you ever been hit and seen it coming? Yeah? Imagine feeling that feeling all the time. Being on edge. Afraid. Worried. Anxious. Scared. Hurt. Betrayed. Alone. 

Shit, things are rough.

They saw each other for a brief moment. In the front yard. In the driveway. He drove up as Brian walked around his car to the driver's side. Mike got confrontational, but I told him that it really wasn't ok for him to show up here unannounced. NOT OK. I told him that I had to leave because I had to be somewhere and that we'd talk later. Then he asked for his things and I told him it wasn't the time and that I'd reach out to him later to figure it out. 

It was not easy. He said he came from Waffle House for breakfast and that he was worried that he hasn't heard from me all morning. That I told him I had a bike ride this morning and that I rushed him out of the house. He felt pushed out. I didn't do it right. He knew it. 

Regardless, Brian and I. That's what I want. I want a God-fearing soul. Someone who knows God. Who fears God. Who will be open to God and His gifts and promises? Brian does. Mike does NOT. 

Peter was supposed to be coming over tonight to hang out. I already canceled/rescheduled on him once from Wednesday. I decided to hang out with Brian instead. That was so shameful. It hurt. I had already made plans with Peter and he worked around it for me around Alison (his daughter). Ugh. 

Mike isn't a bad guy. He has an amazing heart. Great intentions. He's just SO misguided. He's also so misunderstood. His life. He lives for himself. It's good! It's encouraging, even. He does what he needs to survive. 

I also believe, however, that he has some severe mental health issues that have been unaddressed. He doesn't seem to feel the need for medication. He was on medication for a few months and decided it wasn't for him despite my input. 

This story feels like the one that my mom used to tell me about my dad and the woman he was seeing in phoenix. They apparently met up in-person to confront him. He showed up, and they both were on the couch.......guess what he did?

He ran the fuck out the way he came in!

What a coward.

So...all there of my guys knew I was seeing other people. None knew it was three, however. 

Brian, Mike, and Peter. 

Peter and I were supposed to hang out tonight. We actually made plans. Calendar plans. I had already rescheduled on him from Tuesday when I decided to take Brian up on his offer to see me....even though I had plans with Peter already!

He made plans! to see me! and I ditched him for someone else. How shitty of me. He then was ok rescheduling with me. After all that. We rescheduled to tonight. 

After all that's happened, he really did seem to understand He reached out to me today and asked if things were ok. He asked me if he was the reason nd I obviously said no, but I couldn't lie to him. I told him the truth. It wasn't easy. i didn't want to hit his feelings or anything like that. He asked me if he wanted for him to me more 

I listen to mostly Christian music lately. Just like now. I wonder. It doesn't always make me feel good because it calls me out on stupid stuff of my past that I've done. I ask for forgiveness for all of these old mistakes. I love You, GOD. 

My knees hit the ground in surrender. 

Speak to me, what are the lessons?

• Learn to suffer. -Evy

• When things get uncomfortable, rather than ask, “How am I going to get out of this?” try shifting the perspective and ask, “What can I get out of this?” It’s the same situation, the same pain and discomfort, but now you’re leveraging the pain to get better, to learn something, to grow.

• Being a competitor doesn’t mean you want to be better than everyone else, and it doesn’t mean you have to be the best; it simply means you want to be your best.

• Adversity and discomfort are the birthplaces for creativity and solutions; that’s often when people are the most innovative, creative, and thoughtful.

• Aristotle said we are what we repeatedly do.

• Wanting to help others is a common human trait. And while often this is a good thing, it’s also important to simply listen to what the other person is saying. Many times people aren’t looking for solutions, rather they simply want someone to acknowledge their situation.

  Listening is not about you. It is about the other person.

• Often when there is silence, you want to jump in and say something. Resist that temptation. Develop a tolerance for silence.

• 
  

Homebase

I'm home. Back home. My home base. I'm SO happy to be back. I didn't realize the gravity of this entire issue until I came back to Tucson. Chuckie had to go get me! He and Natalie got a rental and drove up there to get me. I was NOT good. Wow. I can't imagine the shit I've put him through. 

As my last post mentioned, I was in Utah. I left for 10 weeks on a whim. That was a bad call. Very bad call. I started drinking heavily during my time up there. I was first drinking hard alcohol shots during the day. Maybe one or two with a seltzer. Towards the end, I was drinking a bottle of wine a day-ish. The straw that broke the camel's back was one day when I drank TWO bottles of wine during the day and made some stupid decisions that I can't remember.

I crashed my car. I got a DUI citation. I'm in the process right now of fighting it. I hired a lawyer named Lorenzo Miller. There are two parts to a DUI. Civil and Criminal. The civil part is where the DMV and the cop talk to decide if they deem it necessary to remove your license or not. I REALLY lucked out in that the cop didn't even call in during our hearing! Meaning...I don't get my license revoked. The second part, the criminal part, is the part where my case gets looked at to see what the charges are and the sentence. Right now, Lorenzo is waiting on the 'discovery' information from the state's defense lawyer to see where they're coming from so that we can start our case. I called yesterday and there's nothing new evidence-wise. When it comes to the car, I'm in the settlement process right now. I was offered 8___ initially and then asked them to re-evaluate it. I was then offered another amount which was a little over a thousand of the initial offer so that basically covered the deductible. That's some great news thought the midst of all of this aside from keeping my license. 

I've pushed Chuckie away even. Damn. What a mess I become when I drink. What a mess I become when I lose control. When I give up or give in. I was allowing myself to just keep living in the dark cycle that I had created for myself over there. I know I was not happy. I felt it. I knew it the first time I wanted to leave. Then the second. The third time I didn't even unpack anything and left it all packed up and in his extra room. I wasn't taking care of my issues up there. Just drowning them out and pushing them away. 

I talked to Jacoby today and told him all of this. I was ashamed of saying it all, but it's the truth. I can't stop what happened. It happened. I have to take full responsibility for it. I do. I crashed. I crashed my card really hard into a tree. The airbags went off. I could have killed someone. I could have killed myself.

Wow. 

What a turn my life has taken. 

I'm scared of Greg and what he is capable of doing as payback. The same goes for Mike. 

Mike...I haven't talked to you about him before, but I met him the data after Thanksgiving outside of a club. He's a bouncer. I don't feel safe around him. I don't want to be his friend. Both of these people are bullies. It's hard because I get it. I am too. I can hurt people. I HAVE hurt people. 

The quiet in the storm?

I really don't know what I'm doing or where my life is heading. 

I am in Draper, Utah. I've been here since April 5th. I came on a whim. 

Greg and I were separated and spoke for about 2-3 days before I decided to drive up here. 

 I packed whatever I thought I needed to live off of, the Bicos, and drove up here without much thought. I was happy, nervous, and proud of myself for making that decision. I always take a long time to make any decisions, so that was a leap of faith in some ways. 

 I am drinking wine as we speak. cabernet. I got a bottle from the top of his room's shelf. Anyway, I feel like I shouldn't be drinking,but at the same time, I feel as if it's the PERFECt time to be drinking. I'm depressed, sad, lonely. alone, heartbroken, etc. 

I'm just sad. Emotionally and literally. I'm pathetically sad.