Adulting

Why am I always so sad and upset about things that I know will work themselves out? I currently have no AC in my house and I've been quoted 12k-15k from Home Depot and 5k from Russett. I went ahead and told them to come install the unit on Monday and needed a down payment of $1400 that I do not have. I ended up canceling everything.

I can't do all this alone. I'm really struggling to sustain myself right now. I can't see an end in sight. I'm really a mess.

I even signed up last week for the IT Works program with Catelyn from IG and she is so determined that I can make this work for me, but I just don't know. I want it to take off and be a viable business, but I don't think I have enough in me to make it work. I don't feel I know enough people or have enough connections. I'm just so down most of the time. It's hard for me to be happy and see the good through it all.

I know that I'm grateful to have shelter and food. I am. I really am. I'm happy that I have gotten this far on my own and have done a lot for myself. I just don't think that I can do this much longer on my own. I don't see the need or reason lately.

I miss God. I used to talk to him all the time like if He were right there with me. I know He's still there, I just don't feel that same connection with Him like I used to. I used to trust that everything would work out all the time, but why not now? What has changed?

I've had a lot of traumatic experiences since I've been an 'adult' that may have had an impact on all of this.

I was raped by Al, my massage therapist, earlier this year and still haven't done anything about it. It makes me angry to know that it happened at all. I know that nothing will change unless I make it change. I know that it's up to me. Why won't I do it? Cause I'm scared of the repercussions. I'm pathetic.