More control

I am more in control than I have been in a long time.

I feel less fear. I feel less anxious.


I got back from Greer, AZ yesterday morning and took Greg to the airport. He was here for a week. I took him to Greer and I'm not sure what happened there.

Is today the day?

Can today be the day? The day that I awaken to all the lessons that I've been taught over the course of my life. Is this the day to accept my past and all its lessons?

I've learned so much about myself these last few months. Scary things. Things that worry me. Things that make me feel safe. Things that bother me. Things that I feel in control of. Things that I have absolutely no control over. Feelings I've never had before. Feelings I do not like. Feeling that I don't know how to react to.

I am losing complete control. Over myself, my surroundings and my life.

Loosen up a little. Take a breathe. Love yourself and time with yourself.

So much hate and anger in me lately. I have a lot of deep seeded quilt and shame and I can't forgive myself for many of my past choices. I did wrong. Multiple times did I do wrong. I am not used to answering for my actions and now they've caught up with me mentally. I'm an emotional wreck as well as a mental catastrophe.

I need to find a hobby. A way to take my minds off things and to enjoy myself. Time with me. That's an ugly thought. I'm not a good person anymore. I feel like I need to be disciplined, scolded, hit, etc. What a shitty thing to even think.

That isn't proven to be effective (my past validates this), yet keep doing it to myself. I hate that I'm so damn hard on myself at times. I really need to wrangle myself in and learn some discipline. Learn to be responsible for my choices and actions. I need to learn a new hobby. What calls to me? Honestly...what calls my attention? I used to love going to church for a lot of reasons, but one thing I enjoy is that I'm around some like-minded people who have many of the same values and morals that I do.

Yet, I say these things and I don't even act on them. I am not living my example I guess is what I'm really saying. I think one thing, say another thing and act another way. It's hypocritical. My thoughts and actions don't line up. I want to get to a place where they DO line up.

You did it to yourself.

I'm sorry. I truly am. I don't know what to do or say to make you understand that. I love you. I 'm sorry that I don't know how to express that or how to show you that I mean it. I will be there for you. I hope you will also be able to reciprocate that. I want to feel your love. I don't want to take anything away from you. I feel like the lost sheep. Will you come to find me? Will you come and look for me? I'm lost. I'm so hurt. I don't know what to feel.

I can't even imagine losing my father. Katie and Kelly, I'm so sorry. Your father was a great man. He was an honest soul. He taught us all so much without even being our parent. His message was clear. He lived life the way it should be lived. He enjoyed all of it. He was a real human being. I'm sorry that we lost him so soon and at such a young age.

Heavy is the head that holds the crown

I saw NIN on Friday night at Comerica Theatre in Phoenix with Raul. It was awesome. It's so nice to have someone to do stuff of similar interests together.

Why are my thoughts so down/sad/depressing? I want to stop them or control them. That's what meditation was good for. It helped me realize that I can suppress them and not give into them.

I just got back from Dr. Cohen. It was hard to talk about, but I think the depression is still lingering and I want to feel normal.

Work is literally sucking the life out of me

I don't know if I came back too soon or if my mental capacity really has changed after my diagnosis.

I feel stupid. I feel incompetent. I feel slow. I feel useless.

I feel as if I'm bringing the team down.

I put my CUI forms into prd last night. When I was doing so, I had multiple issues opening my blueprint in production due to size limitations. I continued to try to open it using the information read on Cherwell FOrms of other admins also having this issue and how to work around the issue by scanning the blueprint multiple times until the blueprint opened up successfully. The blueprint did finally open, and I published the forms. I had to publish more than once in order to have them successfully publish. Apparently, my forms had a change tot he INSR portal view that messed up all the portals.

Sam is on the phone with Cherwell now trying to rollback my changes and revert our db. I suck.

Next day:

Jeff spoke with me yesterday evening. It was hard. He was upset but sounded like he had tried to fix things without throwing me under. I hope that's true. I really don't know what to believe with him anymore.

Jeff just put a meeting on the calendar 30 minutes from now and I'm freaking out. I feel like he's going to let me have it in front of the team. I really don't know what to do or say any more to help make things right. I'm trying. Hard. I'm working hard. Over time, even.

So I'm back from that meeting and it actually went very well. Sam showed us why things broke (my form publishes) and I know he was upset, but he didn't lash out at me. We then talked about what happened, why it broke, what the resolution was, how we can prevent things like this in the future, and what lessons we learned from it all. It went well. I was scared, like always, but it went well.

Now I'm finally eating lunch at my desk (2:18pm) and watching a show on Hulu called Castle Rock by Stephen King AND JJ Abrams. Should be a great series.


Here's some other stuff that I want to write about. I've been seeing Raul Lizarraga since around 4th of July this year. It's been interesting. It's been fun. It's been also scary. Feels like we've gotten really close really quick. It also feels as if we have too much in common. We constantly joke that we could be related.....we don't want that, but who knows?

Peel it back

Peel away the mask and you see the truth. The reality is not pretty. It's why so many hide behind the mask. They put on "a show" as it were.